A Poor Man's Roses
by AcerbusEquinomin56
Summary: Ranka isn't sure anyone's worthy of his daughter, so a contest is held, to prove the worth of the host club! But is there an ulterior motive? Complete and utter Crack!fic. Enjoy!


A/N: Okay, how do I describe this one? It is just plain weird. Now, I had the song in my head for my "P" choice and it made sense, but I was completely lost. Infernum suggested that I write an Ouran fic with Ryoji in it because he's poor and Ouran likes roses. I never intended for it to end up so weird, but it did, so hey, enjoy.

The Song is "A Poor Man's Roses" sung by Patsy Cline.

Infernum's Note: Hey there, it's been a while since I put any foreword or commentary or some such, so I thought it'd be a good idea. Either way, I originally was doing an Alphabet set of fics but when I told Acerbus… Lets just say Acerbus jumped on that idea like a rabid dog in Alaska in winter when introduced to a source of limping meat.

Preferably in the form of a small Alaskan child.

ANYWAY! Yes, I really liked this one personally and in all, I think Acerbus' set has gone very well so far. But this one is still one of my favorites… It's just so funny!!!

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The host club members waited. They were murmuring amongst themselves and shifting uneasily. Ranka had asked them all to sit down while she prepared for the meeting. What the meeting was about, the host club didn't know. Why they part of it, they didn't know. Why Ranka had called it, they didn't know. Not even Kyoya knew what was going on and that was truly frightening.

They all continued to look around anxiously as the time ticked on. The twins muttered to each other. Hunny sat sucking his thumb in Mori's lap and Tamaki and Kyoya were chatting quietly as to what the meeting could be about. Tamaki was very, very afraid of Ranka and therefore needed all the support he could get from "Mom" going against "Mom."

"What do you think that that…person is going to say?" Tamaki looked around as he said this because he didn't know where Ranka could be and anywhere that Ranka was, chrysanthemum was to follow. He was just afraid of chrysanthemum as he was of Ranka.

Kyoya replied nonchalantly, but kept a certain air of crystal hesitance in his voice. "I would think that since it involves all of us, it would obviously involve Haruhi. Since she is taking so much time and effort with this announcement, I would assume that it is very important to Ranka. What is important to Ranka? Haruhi. Therefore, considering that it is important, involving Haruhi and all of us, I am guessing that she is decided a candidate for her daughter's boyfriend.

"HA HA HA!!!" The floor opened up and Ranka came spiraling up on Renge's engineering rig. She had borrowed it while Renge was away on other business. "Correct," she shouted at the top of her lungs. The music room almost shook with the strength of her voice. She woke Hunny from his nap, who yawned and almost got angry until he saw the elaborate ball gown that Ranka wore. It must have been interesting to distract even him.

She was covered head to toe in black satin lace and frills. Her hair was done up in an Eighteenth century bun and was decked with sparkling sequins and pearls. Tamaki had his jaw on the floor. "Where did you get that dress?" Kyoya answered for her as she softly fanned her face with the matching black crinoline fan. "I let her borrow my costume from the Alice in Wonderland episode." Tamaki spun around cringing. His "Mom" was assisting transsexuals?! He floated off into a corner. The world as he knew it was coming to an end.

Ranka continued, raising her hand high above her head. "Now, as Kyouya has just informed you all, I will be decided on who is worthy of being Haruhi's boyfriend!" Tamaki floated back over and struck an immediate pose of chivalry. Ranka looked down at him. "My, what is this strange creature doing flaunting inappropriate body gestures at me? The stance that he's taking complies with the bestial section of the Karma Sutra." Tamaki fell over.

She turned back and snapped her fingers lowering a large cage from the ceiling. This cage held Haruhi who was busy reading. She had given up trying to get out of the cage, so she had to find something to do. "Now, to prove that you are really worthy of my daughter's love, you must first…go on a fake date with me so as I can see if you're worthy!" The room went silent.

Ranka smiled as Tamaki pointed his finger and gasped, "And if no one bothers to go for this suggestion and take on my request, then I will have no choice but to believe that no one loves my poor little Haruhi and so then I will home school her!" Tamaki fell over again. Kyouya stood up. "I should like a try at this. Haruhi hasn't worked off her debt yet. It would be a shame to have her leave this school where she could learn and grow and develop into an amazing young woman." Ranka had tears in her eyes. "Oh, Kyouya, spoken like a true mother…" Tamaki moaned with his face in the floor, "Traitor!"

The twins stood up as well. They said in unison, "This sounds fun, give us a try." Hunny jumped up as well, "ME TO! ME TO!" Mori nodded. Tamaki leapt to his feet and stood in front of everyone else, "I won't let you take my Haruhi! I shall try this ill-fated test and tribulation for my love as well. Test me, Oh, god of the testing! Test me if you dare!" Ranka held a blank look, "Oh, I'll test you all right."

Ranka snapped her fingers again and five half dressed guys came and opened a giant red velvet curtain. Behind it was a perfect replica of an Italian restaurant. There were candles in wine bottles, swirled table legs and even an accordionist. They looked closer. The accordionist looked oddly familiar. Renge was wearing a curly mustache.

Haruhi looked up, "Renge, how did you get into this mess?" Renge walked over and murmured, "Quiet, your father promised me some juicy info and research for my doujinshi project if I did this." Haruhi sighed. Is there anyone that her father couldn't tempt or blackmail?

Ranka walked over to the scene and whispered something to Renge who began nodding her head and playing a romantic tune on the accordion which happened to be twice as large as her waist. Ranka called out to the boys while spinning to the music, "Whoever wants to go first, come on, the night is fine, but keep in mind that I shall be playing Haruhi for this exercise." Meanwhile the real Haruhi didn't even bother to look up.

Tamaki looked determined as he marched over gently guided Ranka into a seat. He put on his best charming face and looked into Ranka's eyes, trying to hypnotize himself into believing that it was Haruhi. "My dear, how are you feeling tonight?" Ranka slammed her hands down on the table while Renge closed in playing a suspenseful dramatic tune. "How could you do this to me?! I called you so many times last night, but you never picked up! I saw you holding another girl by the waist yesterday! You even seduced my friend Steve when he came from Arkansas just to see me and you succeeded! I thought that you cared! I thought that you really loved me, but I was wrong! You're not even my type!!! GO TO HELL!!!"

Ranka swept a few strands of hair from her face and smiled at a bewildered Tamaki. "That means you lose lover boy, NEXT!"

Tamaki was drug into a corner by one of the half dressed men while Ranka uttered a cheerful, "Thanks, John" to him. Kyouya walked over to Ranka and sat down. He slowly breathed in and looked her in the eyes with a somber gaze. "I'm so sorry that I was late, but…" He gave a wonderful fake shudder. "My cat…that I've had for so long…was just run over by a truck." Ranka bopped him in the head, "I'm sorry dear, but I don't like glasses characters, NEXT!"

Kyouya slapped the twins' hands in passing the baton. They came over and sat in the same chair. Ranka spoke before they even could. "OH, boys, I love you both, I really do, but you know that I'm not the kind of girl who has three-ways. You definitely should talk to my father Ryoji. I know in my deepest soul that he wouldn't turn you away. He's the kindes…" They got up themselves and screamed, "NEXT!"

Hunny hopped onto the chair and smiled his cute, ambiguous grin. Ranka smiled back while uttering a simple, "I'm sorry dear, but I don't like to entertain the thought of dating someone who has to use a ladder to get his **** into me." Hunny's eyes widened before he ran off crying. "LAST!"

Mori slowly came over and sat down. Ranka grinned. "Oh, Mori, you're the only who understands me. You know what I think and how I feel always. Will you go out with me?" Mori would have answered but he was too busy going into shock that Ranka was coming onto him. "Mori? Why won't you answer me? Why don't you love me the way I love you? WHY?" Ranka burst into fake tears and Mori ran from the seat.

Ranka looked up triumphantly. She had won. No one passed the test. She stood up and walked over to the losers. "Now," she said, "I had a feeling that this would happen, so I decided to create a fool-proof way of…" Haruhi slammed her book. After finally finishing it and having nothing else to do, she decided to intervene.

"Dad, no matter who it is, I am going to decide who I date and that person is the one that makes me happiest. I don't need your help. I may need your advice if I fall into hard times, but I don't think that you will ever need to do this." Ranka stared at her daughter. "But, Haruhi…I haven't gotten to make out with anyone yet!" Haruhi shook her head. "I don't care. If that's all you wanted to take from this exercise, then you never really cared about my happiness in the first place." Ranka teared up. "I couldn't help it! I was so lonely!" Haruhi hugged her father through the bars. "It's fine, but I still would like to choose my own boyfriend." Ranka looked up hopefully. "Does that mean I get to make out with them?" "NO." Ranka swore, "Curses."

A head popped in from the door. "Did somebody say curses?" (Do I really have to explain who that was?) Ranka looked up and widened her eyes. She gasped in bliss. She may still have a chance. "Oh, Nekozawa-kun! You like Haruhi right? That means that I can give a test if you are worthy of her love right?" He retreated a little behind the door with a deepening blush on his face. "No, I'm sorry madam, but I have no interest in your daughter." Ranka cried out, but not in sorrow or in anger, but in glee.

"But, if you're in this series and you are a main character and you are not in love with Haruhi, then that means you're gay!!!! You're just my type! Come here honey bun kitty-kun!" Ranka ran off as Nekozawa retreated behind the door completely. She broke off in a full scale run, her high heels clacking all along the way. The host club heard the following:

"Come here, I won't hurt you too much, kitty-kun!"

"No, what are you…! Mmmm…HMMM…ah...You're not a woman at all!"

"Do you care?"

"No, not particularly, but still, hey what are you doing?!"

"I'm making you a man!"

All that the host club heard after that was horrifying screams. Haruhi looked back at the boys below her. Tamaki was jumping with every scream and moan, while the twins were giggling. She sighed, "Okay, fuck happiness, my legs are stiff, so whoever can get me out of this cage first gets to be my boyfriend." They all flew to it like magnets. Little did they know that it was made of reinforced steel.

Ranka crept back into the hall dragging a senseless, moaning and half-naked Nekozawa with her. She poked Mori in the back and snuck him a small golden key and winked at him, "You have my blessing! Come by for dinner sometime!" Ranka crept back behind the door and the screams ensued again.

Mori looked at the key for a moment, remembered that Ranka had come onto him and handed the key to Tamaki. And that, ladies and gentlemen is how Haruhi actually ended up with my least favorite character: the player douche bag Romeo Tamaki!

A/N: Okay, for anyone who caught the Rocky Horror Picture show reference, you get some cheesecake. For everyone that realized that my favorite characters are Nekozawa, Ranka, and Mori (In that order) and that I don't particularly like anyone else you also get cheesecake. I hope you enjoyed it. I did. Review for me!

Infernum liked the story because everyone seemed to be in character. Hehe.

Infernum: And indeed they were, in fact, they were almost _too _in character… Are you trying to make me look bad?!

P.S. You may see an actual NekoRyoji from me soon. It is my favorite pairing from Ouran!!! That and NekoMori and NekoHitatwincest. I like most anything with Nekozawa…without Haruhi. Got nothing against her, but I just don't like girlxboy. Sorry. (Except maybe for Velvet and Cassiel, which ended so well that I could accept it…I'm sorry. I'll shut up now.)


End file.
